What the F?

My favorite comedian. He's extremely awkward, random, and often intoxicated on stage. He died from a drug overdose in 2005, just as he was hitting his peak.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

Here are a few of my favorite Mitch jokes:

"I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table."

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it"!

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was thirty seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool.

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don't think I would, 'cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner."

If you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, 'cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake-on!

I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the donut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that donut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for donut."

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!"

Check out his Comedy Central Presents: