Sunday, July 30, 2006

 

It's About Damn Time


After weeks of speculation, the Phillies today finally traded outfielder Bobby Abreu and pitcher Corey Lidle to the Yankees for a few young prospects, none of whom were the Yanks top farm guys. But whether you like the trade or not, you have to love the fact that Phils GM Pat Gillick was not afraid to pull the trigger on a major deal, something former GM Ed Wade was never really able to do the last few years when the team desperately needed change.

My analysis:

Abreu was clearly not the cause of this team's poor record. Sure the guy messed up few times in the field but you can't argue with his numbers at the plate. He is one of the best hitters in the league. He was, however, making an insane amount of money and sending him and that salary to the Yanks frees up some $$$ for the Phils to spend on a few picthers who can actually pitch. And Lidle, well, no one really cares about him but he could end up being a huge addition for the Bronx Bombers down the stretch.

I will miss Abreu, though, for two reasons. The first reason is his is the only Phillies player jersey I own. I think I've worn it a grand total of one time though because I really don't want people to know I am Phillies fan. The other reason: when Abreu speaks you listen. Seriously, you have to listen real hard to know what he's attempting to say because the guy has the worst case of broken english. It is so much fun watching all the reporters scratch their heads when he talks. I think he's lived in America for at least ten years now so maybe he needs speech therapy or something.

I love Abreu as a Yankee. I hate to admit it but I do pull for the Evil Empire when October comes around. And I hope Bobby turns out to be the guy Red Sox fans remember as the one who killed their 2006 season.

As for the players the Phils got in return, only time will tell if they can cut it at the major league level. History says they will most likely suck.

But again, Gillick is making moves. In addition to the Abreu/Lidle deal, the Phils traded third baseman David "I was pretty awful except for the last two weeks" Bell this weekend and can now look to upgrade that position. And Gillick is trying desperately to dump Pat "I am stealing so much money right now" Burrell and his ridiculous contract.

One thing is for sure, this team will look alot different next season. And that is definitely a good thing.








Saturday, July 29, 2006

 

What have i become?

Before I head out tonight, I need to get something off my conscience.

I gave a kid the finger today.

I know, I know. Disgraceful. I mean she was at least 11 though. Does that make it any better? No? I didn't think so. This was totally out of character, I'm usually a patient guy and in my group of friends I've been labeled the "moral compass", but this kid really had it coming.

To make a long story short, a group of kids were riding their bikes in the street and decided to be as big of pain in the ass as possible while doing it. So everyone just calmy drives around them, including myself. I pull up to the light and look in my rearview mirror and see the group quickly approaching. One kid decides to continue on her bike full speed and cut between my car and the car behind me. Well, while she's making this daredevil-esque move, I hear a loud scrape/thump noise (weird combo huh?) and a slight jerk.

My first thought is "I hope the kid is alright". Oh, the kid is perfectly fine and never fell of the bike. That noise was some part of her bike making solid contact with the backside of my car. I look over and she is riding as fast as possible laughing and fleeing the scene. So I decide I'm going to pull over into the next parking lot and assess the damage. The light turns green, i make a left and guess who's riding towards the same parking lot? That's right. Riding right down the center of the double yellow lines (like an idiot). So... *sigh*... I pulled up right next to her and honked the horn like 10 times. Then I did what any self respecting jerk would do, and gave her the finger. She laughed.

I pulled into the parking lot and got to see the huge scratch on the back of my car. But did I really need to insult the kid like that? Yes I did. And that mindset is why I needed to clear my conscience. At some point over time, I became a jerk.

Friday, July 28, 2006

 

Five finger discount


I do not personally ride a bike. Too much work. I also like my AC on the PT if ya knows whats I mean, but this does not mean that plenty of people dont ride a bike around the city and with riding a bike comes bike theft. I'm sure anyone who uses a bike as a major part of their transportation has lost at least one bike to theft. I've stolen at least ten for fun and I imagine others do too which means that it is true. These two guys show just how easy it is too steal a bike in New York but more importanly show how easy it is to piss off a news caster. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1gmnLX6DoE&search=Jodi%20Applegate

Thursday, July 27, 2006

 

No chin or is it a long neck?


This isn't really a post, I just wanted to say I love eating wooder ice at 3:00 while working. Especially walking back in and having everyone look and drool over it.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

 

A Wednesday Rant

You are so not American
Officials in Riverside, NJ are causing an uproar with their attempt to crack down on illegal immigration in the little Delaware River town. They are considering an ordinance that would ban hiring or renting to illegal immigrants. As expected, the many illegal Brazilians are pissed. But without the proper evidence, how will they be able to tell who is and isn't illegal when everyone in Riverside looks like this?

Not that there's anything wrong with that
Last week, it was Justin Timberlake revealing to us that he used drugs again and again and again and again. And again. Serioulsy, if J Timbo takes one more hit he's going to end up looking like this. Today, we find out that Lance Bass has outed himself. Not quite as awesome as McGreevy's coming out party a few years back but still big news for NSync fans. By the way, are they still a group? What's next for those guys? Will Joey Fatone (pronounced fat - one) and Chris Kirkpatrick reveal that they actually don't have any talent? I'm just jealous.

 

With friends like these who needs enemies


Yesterday after going to the gym my girlfriend and I were driving home when I rememberd that I had saw that Friends DVD's were on sale for a measly $17.99 at circuit City. You read that correctly, $17.99 for one full season of your bestest friends in the whole world. So I said to my girlfriend, "why don't we drive over to Jersey and pick up a couple of seasons". She initally felt bad about me spending the money on it but she got over that on the ride over the bridge. Besides, the way I figured it I would have to buy this eventually so why not get them cheap? So we get there, grab 4 seasons( 2 for my GF and 2 for my sister), bring them up to the counter, take out my credit card and he rings them up. Grand total? Roughly $134. Now I may have barely passed every math class I have ever had (probably shouldnt have passed either) but I know 4x17.99 is not $134. And I was right. Turns out we just missed the sale. We walk away rejected and drive back over the bridge in defeat. So basically, now I have too pay full price for them at christmas. This is why Friends are not my friends.

 

K-Fed's ready, but is everyone else?

My boy Kevin Federline is finally getting the chance to perform on national tv. The highly esteemed Teen Choice Awards is the perfect venue for an artist of K-Fed's calibur. I, and millions of Americans, are relieved that Federline finally has the opportunity to showcase his amazing lyrical prowess. For example, the smash hit, PopoZao (Portugese slang term for "big ass"), displayed creativity and complex wordplay like:
I want to see your kitty, and a little bit of titty..
Girls, don't you worry about all the dough, because a cat is coming straight out of the 'No...
ready to rock those shows all the way to Rio
Bring that Brazil booty on the floor
Up, down, all around, work that shit to the funky sound...
Po, po, po, po, popozão, popozão
That's got the ingredients for international superstardom.

August 20, 2006. Mark your calendars (as if you'll even need a reminder), and set your DVRs for the performance of a lifetime.

_________________

P.S. - A.I. is staying a Sixer! Yes!!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

 

You look like a baby gorilla

Let me be the first to say, "good job T.L." We clearly have a very similar taste in movies. Your top 10 comedy movie list is pretty on point with what I would have said. You said it a better funnier way but still close enough. Although I would have added Monty Pythones search for the holy grail and Anchorman to that list and took off Tommy boy and Meet the parents, but anyway. Like I was saying, good list, good topic. After reading it I began to think about my own top 10 and how lame it would be to post them right after you so instead I have compiled a top 10 list of my favorite best of the worst comedies.

You know you have been sitting at home flicking around the T.V. and see the biggest piece of crap movie that you would never have paid to see in the movie theater but since its free now, and its on, you love it. So this list goes out to the straight to cable nightmares that gave me something to do on Friday and Saturday night thru out high school... and college... and now... wow thats sad.

10. Howard the Duck
Who would have thought that a duckman from another planet landing onto our great planet earth could be so much fun. Apparently not many people since it bombed bigger than Hiroshima. Thing I remember most from this movie as a kid? A dollar bill in Howards wallet has a picture of a duck president. Now thats movie magic.












9. Hudson Hawk
Cath the excitement. Cath the adventure. Cath the Hawk. That was the actual tag line to this Bruce Willis turd. Basically its about a cat burglar who is forced to steal Da Vinci works of art for world domination. Same old same old. Honestly though I love it. I dont know what it is but I'm pretty sure its the character butterfinger. All of the villians have candy bar names. Did I mention that? How can super villian candy bars not be a great movie?










8. Stop or my mom will shoot
Stallone. The oldest lady from the golden girls. Need I say more? Basically Stallone is a bad ass cop whos mom is staying with him and still treats him like a little boy. So much so that she follows him along on a case. I think she ends up killing like 20 dudes with her bare hands. Its pretty hardcore
















7. So I married an axe murderer
Everyone has seen this movie a hundred times on comedy central, do i really need to write about it? Mike Myers dresses up like his father and does his Shrek voice while making fun of his sons giant head. This is comedy gold people. C f'ing G.















6. Canadian Bacon
Oh, John candy, how I miss you. This movie is basically for all of us Canada haters. Know what I'm talking aboot? Basically its a movie about a shitty president who needs to start a war because the election is coming up and he wants a second term. And who is an easier target than Iraq? I mean Canada. Sorry I got real life mixed up with cinema. Best part of the movie? When a giant fight breaks out at a hockey game because John Candy says Canadian beers sucks. God bless America










5. Tango and Cash
One cop plays by the rules the other has none. And than they get set up and sent to jail where they aressted everone in there. Thats basically the plot. Oh, and they blow shit the fudge up. Seriously though Stallone and Kurt Russell tear the screen up in this classic gem. If you havent seen this a 100x or more than there is something seriously wrong with you.










4. Just one of the guys
If your like me the first set of boobs you saw was in this movie. And what a set! Seriously. And yet I had no idea what a surprise I was in for. Here is the basic premis: Girl wants to be a reporter and is pissed at her macho boyfriend for something, its not really important. So to prove she can be a groundbreaking journalist she dresses and acts like a man. A man very similar looking to the karate kid I might add. Lots of twists, lots of sex jokes, and one set of exposed boobs and childhood memories makes this a classic.











3. Summer School
At Ocean Front High, what do they call a guy who cuts classes, hates homework, and lives for summer vacations? Teacher. Basically its about a bunch of really dumb kids who have to go to summer school. Except that this class teaches more than history, it teaches life lessons. Believe it or not Rob Reiner made this. I swear to God he did.










2. Commando
This is by far Arnold Schwarzenegger's finest work EVER! Arnold plays John Matrix, retired killing machine. That is until his daughter is kidnapped. By an old friend no less! So Arnold basically kills everything in sight until he gets her back. No seriously everything! I counted before and he kills over 150 people in this movie. Even better than the killing is the guy who is suppose to be even more bad ass than Arnold, Bennett... but isnt. He's fat, no muscle tone, girly screams, girly arm movements, and he wears a metal netted shirt. Did I mention all of the one liners? no? Well here they are:

Arius: Your father appears to be cooperating. You will be back with him soon. Won't that be nice?
Jenny: Not as nearly as nice as watching him smash your face in!

[Matrix has thrown a pipe through Bennett]
Matrix: Let off some steam, Bennett.

Sully: Here's twenty dollars to get some drinks in Val Verde. It'll give us all a little more time with your daughter.
Henriques: Heh.
Matrix: You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.

Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That's right, Matrix. You did!
Matrix: I lied.

Matrix: I eat Green Berets for breakfast.

Matrix: Don't break radio silence until they see me.
Cindy: How will I know?
Matrix: Because all fucking hell is going to break loose.

Matrix: [after killing a man in the plane] Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired.

Biggs, Mall Security Guard: Attention all units, emergency on theater level, suspect six foot two, brown hair. He is one gigantic motherfucker!

Soldier: Fuck you, asshole!
Col. John Matrix: FUCK YOU, asshole!
Cindy: I don't beleive this macho bullshit!














1. Dirty Work
I LOVE this movie. Starring Norm MacDonald(Mitch) from saturday night live and Artie Lange(Sam) currently from the Howard Stern Show, this is easily the best worst comedy. Norm was my favorite comedian back in the day because of his super dry sense of humor and he shows it off well here my friends. Basically its about two screw ups who cant do anything right except getting revenge on people, so they open up business and do revenge for hire. Bob Saget from full jouse directed and Chevy Chase, Adam Sandler(the devil) and Don Rickles(Mr. Hmilton) make cameos. Chris Farely(Jimmy) is also in this bad boy, his last movie appearence actually. So in honor of Dirty Work, here are some quotes:

Mitch: Note to self: Making love to blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

Mitch: There's two kinds of people in this world: Those who get stomped on and those who do the stomping.
Kathy: Where'd you come up with that theory?
Mitch: That famous guy said it. What's his name? Uh... Oh, yeah: Jesus!

[Sam and Mitch have learned that they are half-brothers]
Mitch: Hey, hey! Hey, you remember in 5th grade when I was under the monkey bars and I sneaked a peek at your sister's underwear? Remember that? Hey, no no! I was sneaking a peek at my *own* sister's underwear!
Sam: That's right! Yeah, and then remember in the 12th grade, you had sex with her?

Kathy: You guys are brothers?
Mitch: Well, it's a long story...
Sam: My dad boned his mom.
Mitch: Okay, so it's a short story.

Bearded Lady: Hey, baby. You ever had a chick with a beard before?
Mitch: Can't say that I have there, bearded broad.
Bearded Lady: Well, then, sugar, you haven't lived.
Mitch: Note to self: I don't want to live.

Mitch: Sam, are you pissing off the side of the building?
Sam: Sorta.


Mitch: Okay, settle down, prostitutes. Now, understand that you each get twenty dollars, and this requires no sex, no sex at all, regardless of what this character tells you.
[motions to Sam]

Mitch: I've never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!
Bystander: Lord knows I have.

Jimmy: And there's the Saigon whore that bit my nose off!

Mr. Hamilton: So there you are, tubby. Look like a bucket of lard on a bad day. You baby gorilla. Why don't you work in a zoo, and stop bothering people? Got a call yesterday from Baskin Robbins. They said that they're down to only five flavors. You're swelling up as I talk to you.

Dr. Farthing: I know there's really nobody to blame for this but myself, well, I don't know, maybe the Buffalo Bills, the Boston Red Sox, or Mr. T or, or the Jets...
Mitch: Wait a minute, Mr T.? Are you telling me that you bet on the fight in Rocky III, and that you bet against Rocky?
Dr. Farthing: Hindsight is twenty-twenty, my friend.

[at Mazetti's bar]
Mitch: Yeah, well, things could be worse, you know. I could have got my nose bit off by a Saigon whore!
[Jimmy slowly turns to face the camera and blows smoke from his cigarette, exposing his scarred nose]
Jimmy: [shouts] You bastard!
Mitch: Hey, I'm just messin' with you, Jimmy. I saw you down there. Hey, Mazetti, get Jimmy a beer on me.
Jimmy: [laughs] Okay. It's all right.

Homeless Guy: And then when you jumped on that security guard's back and you were yelling in his ear, "The CIA put a chip in my brain!" I was laughing so hard, I almost shit my pants.
Martin: [grinning] Almost!
[They do a high-five]

Sam: Hey, doc, what happened to your foot?
Dr. Farthing: What I don't understand is... when you owe a bookie a lot of money, and he, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money. Doesn't seem fair to me. Especially when he's gonna kill me in four days anyway.

Mitch: Dr. Farthing, what happened to your arm?
Dr. Farthing: Well, it was either from sleeping on it the wrong way or a bookie throwing me out of a speeding car...

Pops: Back then we didn't have these fancy birth control methods. Like pulling out.

Dr. Farthing: For six hundred dollars, I can sell you a perfectly good hospital bed.
Sam: Are you crazy? I don't need a bed.
Dr. Farthing: [Nods, and gives the famous Chevy Chase "ingratiating stare."] Playing hardball, are you?

Frat Guy: [sarcastically] Hey, that was really funny, siccing the cops on us like that.
[Second frat guy behind him says, "Yeah!"]
Mitch: Really? I mean, don't get me wrong, I thought it was funny, but I'm surprised you guys did, because, uh, you got your asses kicked.

Pops: Let me take you to Vegas, baby! You know what they say, it ain't over till the fat lady checks into a cheap hotel with Pops.

Mike Anscombe: Looks like there's gonna be a brawl. You playin' something good?
Jimmy: Hell, yeah! Rolling Stones, Street Fighting Man! G-7!
Mike Anscombe: ...you just hit G-8.
[Jimmy looks shocked, as Escape, the Pina Colada Song, blasts from the jukebox]

[Kathy enters the Dirty Work headquarters, where Mitch is deep in thought]
Kathy: [flirtatiously] What havoc are you planning to wreak now?
Mitch: Kathy! What are you doing here?
Kathy: Um, actually I was looking for you. I saw how you and your friend saved that woman's house.
[giggles]
Kathy: Guess it turns out you can use your powers for good as well as evil.

Sam: So, you mean to tell me that that sweet girl's grandmother runs a whorehouse out of the building we're about to destroy?
Mitch: Yeah, I feel awful doing this to Kathy.
Sam: Hey, uh, Mitch, you're really starting to like this Kathy, aren't ya?
Mitch: [with a huge, smirking grin] Nooooooo.
Sam: Mitch, I know you, man. When you say "no" like that, you really mean yes.
Mitch: What are ya talking about?
Sam: Watch, I'll show you. Mitch, uh, did you ever rob a bank?
Mitch: [definitely] No.
Sam: Did you ever climb Mount Everest?
Mitch: [more definitely] No.
Sam: Did you ever say that you can see why women find Sean Connery sexy?
Mitch: [with a huge, smirking grin] Nooooooo. - Okay, so I like Kathy a little bit. Man, I hate the fact that we have to destroy her grandmother's building.
[pause]
Mitch: But we have to.
Sam: Yep.
[They jump into the car]

Travis Cole: What are you doing? You're ruining Don Giovanni!
Mitch: Don Giovanni? Who's that dude?
Travis Cole: The opera! You're ruining the opera!
Mitch: Oh, the opera. Yes, yes, we are ruining that.

Mitch: Sam, tonight we make a wad of cash for doing something that comes natural to us, you know? Revenge! I'm telling you, we should open a revenge-for-hire business.
Sam: I never heard of a revenge-for-hire business.
Mitch: Exactly - we'd be the first! With every genius business idea, there's gotta be a first. Like, like the guy who first thought of delivering pizza to people's houses. Or, uh, the guy who invented crack.
Sam: Who's gonna hire us?
Mitch: Oh, Sam, I have a feeling that people are gonna pay us a lot of money to do their dirty work.

Mitch: Oh, and Dr. Farthing. He got over his gambling problem, but the bookies beat him to death anyway. So, he's dead. That's it. Bye


Well thats the list. Sorry if the reviews sucks but thats a lot of typing. Peace.

Monday, July 24, 2006

 

That's Funny

I want to preface this post by saying this is the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. I've attempted it many times and instead wound up ripping my eyes out. If there were a test that people had to take to become wizards, it wouldn't be as difficult as what I just went through. Ladies and gentlemen, I have ranked the top 10 all-time funniest movies.

What finally pushed me over the edge to do this was Bravo's airing of its list of the 100 all-time funniest movies Friday night. I actually watched most all of the 27 hour long (it seemed that long) show as I was lying in bed with a 103 degree temperature. Great night let me tell you. Bravo's list, shady to say the least. And I don't use the word "shady" very often. But notice Shrek coming in at number 3. Are you freakin kidding me? I must put a stop to this.

Without further a due, the REAL top 10 funniest movies ever made....
10. Back to School- Dangerfield kills with his one-liners. This is his best movie, not Caddyshack and certainly not Ladybugs
9. Tommy Boy- Farley and Spade make a great combo. Spade by himself? Not so good. Well, Joe Dirt was kinda funny.
8. There's Something About Mary- Athlete cameos always make me laugh. Brett Favre shows up near the end with Stiller butchering the pronounciation of "Favre." Priceless.
7. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective- Another athlete cameo, Dan Marino. The name Ray Finkle alone makes this a classic comedy.
6. Meet the Parents- This movie caught me off guard. Who knew DeNiro was funny? The ultimate awkward situation movie.
5. Airplane- Too many great lines from this one. Auto pilot (pictured above). Another athlete cameo, Kareem Abdul Jabaar.
4. Stripes- Bill Murray's funniest role hands down. Plus John Candy had some great lines.
3. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation- Chevy Chase's best stuff. Randy Quaid puts it over the top.
2. Naked Gun- The ultimate athlete cameo: Pre murder trial OJ Simpson. And he's funny. Leslie Neilson keeps you laughing throughout the entire movie.
1. Dumb and Dumber- "So Mary, why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?" Possibly the single greatest line ever.

Just missed the cut: Major League II, Caddyshack, Wedding Singer, Animal House, Blazing Saddles, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Old School

Ahhh, I feel so much better now. You're probably asking yourself 'why did tone loc stop at the top ten?' The answer is because this drove me nuts, dammit. I could sense that I was slowly turning into Nicholson's character from the Shining during the whole process. If I would only put this much effort into my daily life. I could probably be president, or an astronaut, or even a tow truck driver.




 

Satan is 5'4"


Today I had lunch with Mr. Tone Loc when I somehow brought up Glen Danzig. The 5'4" weight lifting, satan worshiping, vocal howling, evil lyric writing front man to The misfits and Danzig. If your saying to yourself, "who?", so did Tone Loc. But how? He is so bad ass he has a song about killing babies and rapeing mothers. You'r mother even. To salute this evil son-of-a-bitch here are the lyrics to Last caress:

I got something to say
I killed your baby today
And it doesnt matter much to me
As long as its dead

Well I got something to say
I raped your mother today
And it doesnt matter much to me
As long as she spread

Sweet lovely death
I am waiting for your breath
Come sweet death, one last caress

Go

Sweet lovely death
I am waiting for your breath
Come sweet death, one last caress

Well, I got something to say
I killed your baby today
And it doesnt matter much to me
As long as its dead

Sweet lovely death
I am waiting for your breath
Come sweet death
One last caress

One last caress, sweet death
One last caress, sweet death

Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh


 

I'm back baby!


I have finally returned from a weeks worth of vacation of visiting "cathedrals of the game", otherwise known as baseball stadiums. That's right nerd-a-lingers I spent a week traveling around going to various stadiums taking in the sights, sounds, and culture that each city had to offer. This basically means I drank a lot of beer in every city and made fun of the way the locals looked, sounded, and dipped their fries into mayo. Freaks. I would post some photos but I only used my phone and it only contains naked pictures of me in a whirl pool. (To view those please visit: www.steamyhunks.com) I don't want to write a monster post here so all I will say is that it was definitely 87' Hetfield (to those not in the know, that means f'ing awesome)

Sunday, July 23, 2006

 

It's That Time Again


Training camp is here! Now I don't throw the exclamation point out there for just anything so you know I'm excited. The entire Philadelphia Eagles squad takes to the practice field for the first time on Monday at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA. Wherever that is. For some, it's a tryout. For others, it's preparation for what promises to be an interesting Eagles season.

Why is training camp exciting you ask? After a miserable Sixers season followed by the ongoing 'will they or won't they' trade Iverson saga and another disappointing early exit from the Flyers, football is the only savior. But I truly believe the underlying goal of Eagles training camp is to distract us Philly sports fans from watching another Phillies season go down the drain. Now I can deal with a losing Phils season because I expect it. I prepare myself for it every year. But the Eagles? No. It hurts when they lose. It hurt alot last year. And my body can't take things like this ultimate "what the f is he doing moment from last season" anymore.

Lots of questions going into this season:

This year's camp figures to be less of a circus than last year's. The reason: No TO of course. But even though he isn't here in the flesh, TO continues to dominate reporters' questions posed to McNabb and Reid. And with TO's recently released autobiography, T.O., came the inevitable stupid question from a reporter asking McNabb when his book was coming out. To which Donnie responded "Real soon. It'll be a children's book, right next to his." So the war of words continue. Unfortunately, it's not going to stop for a while.

So as for the season, maybe I'm kidding myself when I say I'm semi-optimistic about the Birds' chances. It's a little too early to tell. But I can say that I am really looking foward to the renewed rivalry between Philly and Dallas. Who knows? Dallas and TO could blow the Eagles out of the water. Or maybe last season was a fluke for Philly and Donovan. Would I wish death upon TO? Probably but his Web site, http://www.terrellowens.com/ is terrific. So maybe I'll just pray he gets seriously injured.


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

 

You know who really runs this city?

Lew Blum.

In my quest to learn more about the evil empire that is Lew Blum Towing, i stumbled across this article from Philadelphia Weekly. Tiny snippet:
Some kids grow up wanting to be an astronaut or a football hero, but Blum knew early on that there was only one job for him: tow-truck driver.
It was fate. Turns out this SOB is the nephew of George Smith, the guy who runs the other like, 5 percent of the Philly towing game. It seems that Blum is so feared that people are afraid to even take photos of his infamous towing signs that are littered throughout the city. At least, i couldn't find any on Google or Yahoo image searches. Allegedly, one of his signs even pops up in an old Coke commercial (the one with G. Love, I think).

That's all for now.



Monday, July 17, 2006

 

Mercury Rising

In the spirit of the summer's first heat wave, I put together a spur of the moment list of some of the hotter things in life right now, according to me. And for the hell of it, I included the always exciting "Not So Hot" list. Here they are in no particular order.

So hot right now:
1. The Detroit Tigers- Often the butt of many baseball jokes, the Tigers currently own the best record in baseball, 62-30, and appear to be on their way to their first division championship and playoff series since 1987. I've never actually been to Detroit, just stopped at the airport, but I already know I don't like that city and I really hope I jinxed the Tigers with this post.

2. The Red Hot Chili Peppers- No pun intended with this one. RHCP are like a fine wine, they've gotten better with age. Their newest album, Stadium Arcadium, was released in May, but I only recently had the chance to listen to it in full. It's fantastic. That's three unbelievably good albums in a row for them, with By the Way and Californication preceeding Stadium. So this hot streak really extends back to 1999, when I was still wearing diapers.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean series- Anything Johnny Depp touches turns to gold. Seriously, Edward Scissorhands is a friggin broadway play now. Anyway, I haven't even seen Dead Man's Chest yet, but it's already pulled in mucho dinero. I didn't even think the first one was that good, but I'm apparently in the minority with that opinion. The third of the Pirates series, At World's End, is scheduled to hit theaters sometime in '07.

4. NASA- I'm such a loser. This morning I watched on TV the landing of the shuttle Discovery in Florida. I was expecting some type of disaster to occur. But nothing happened. For the first time in a while, NASA didn't screw up. Discovery was in space for 13 days doing something I really have no interest in knowing about. But the whole mission was flawless and no one died. Congratulations.

5. Italy- Had to throw this one in there. Fresh off its first World Cup title since 1982, Italy is still celebrating one week later. Even as the country's premiere soccer league loses clubs and players due to a huge corruption scandal, the Italians just don't seem to care about anything other than that Cup. Italy is definitely on top of the world right now.

6. Comcast Cable- Thanks to a friend's e-mail, I am aware to the fact that Comcast now carries ESPN Classic, the greatest TV station ever made by a human being. It's channel 265. I'm watching Hoosiers right now. So good. Thank you Comcast.

Not so hot
1. The Coors CEO- You know that guy at the end of some of the Coors commercials who tells viewers to drink responsibly and don't drink and drive? Yea he's Peter Coors, CEO of Coors Brewing of Company. And he just had his license revoked because of a DUI charge on May 28. Way to go, Pete.

2. The Real World- I used to think the Real World Philly cast was the worst of all Real Worlds until I started watching Real World Key West. I hate to say it but it's a good thing there was an insane hurricane season last year because the only exciting part of watching seven strangers in Key West is seeing them run from rain and wind. Yea it's not very exciting at all.

3. Zidane's head- I don't care what the Italian guy said to him, Zidane was the best player on the field and France needed his skills for the final ten minutes and for the penalty kick shootout, which Italy won 5-4. Instead, the meathead in Zidane came out as he viciously headbutted an Italian player in the chest, resulting in an automatic red card and ejection from the championship game of the world's biggest sporting event. Viva Italia!



Friday, July 14, 2006

 

Time to get proactive

I'm honored to be a part of this blogging community. As the newest memeber I vow to accompish two specific goals:

 

I Smell Estrogen

And it stings the nostrils. Our female counterparts at So Unpretty are talking smack on What the F?. They're just a bunch of insecure bullies.

Nonetheless, So Unpretty is an entertaining read. Plus, you can see Anne Hathaway's boobs. So check it out.

http://www.sounpretty.blogspot.com/

 

Excuse me? Can I borrow your blow drier?


As some people may know, i like to go to the gym. Not that makes me special or anything because there is literally thousands of people who are members to gyms and like to pump up the guns or what have you. Those people are great. No, seriously, they're the greatest people on the planet earth. Possibly better than carnival foke and I fuckin LOVE carnies. Whats not to love? Accents, dirt, lobster boys, lack of teeth and morals, midgets, etc. etc. But even with all of that great shit going for em people at the gym are even better. Mostly because you will find even bigger freaks at your local muscle production plant or as you may call it a "gym". Freak-o-deeks like, "old woman who does ballet before, after, and during weight lifting". I kid you not. She even has the leg warmers like in flash dance. In fact I think they are the actual leg warmers worn during the production of flash dance. Super fan, clearly. Another favorite of mine is the 150 lb. soaking wet kid, wearing a wife beater of course, who likes to look at his ripped abs in the mirror every chance he gets even though he clearly is lacking in the abdominal area. Lets just say he is not grating any cheese on those bad boys anytime soon. It look more like a sensual act between a man and his favorite block of monteray jack cheese (note to self: look up sensual act between a man and his favorite block of monteray jack cheese porn tonight). But my personal favorite is the shadow boxer. No this is not a boxing gym that we are sculpting our lats in, its the damn muscle production plant for christ sakes. Yet this individual finds the need to throw some punches inbetween his sets to show off his skill. The best part is that he clearly has never had a boxing lession in his life let alone actually had an altercation in the streets. Not like myself of course. I once got jumped by a whole gang before walking home from target. Thats right a whole gang. You may have heard of them before too. A little faction that goes by the name of the girl scouts?!?! Yea, they think they're tough because they have a couple of badges that display all of the criminal acts they have commited against humanity such theft, murder, dealin dope, and rape (which they are most proud of) but I dont care about that crap. They dont know me. I'm crazy! And they're short and easy to kick in the face. Sorry about that, what was I talking about? Oh yea gym freaks. Well thats basically the short list of the annoying people at my gym. I could go on about it but I would actually rather hear some stories about your favorite weirdo. So plase feel free to chime in on the subject.

Oh did you think this post was over? Sorry to get your hopes up but there is more to this rant. The first half was about my favorite oddballs/annoying assholes and this half is about my three biggest pet peeves which, believe it or not, have to do with said oddballs/annoying assholes.

#3 NOT PUTTING YOUR WEIGHTS AWAY
The worst thing you can do when your working out at a gym is leaving your weights laying around instead of putting them away. Gee, thanks for leaving 16 different dumbells on the floor for me to dance around so i dont trip and crack my head open. And its never even pairs of dumbells. Its like a 7.5 lb. pink plastic dumbell and a 120 lb. dumbell. Do you have one super strong arm and your sisters arm surgically attached for the other? I can stand this to a degree but when I have to put these things away so i can workout is when I get pissed and knock out the old lady doing ballet. As far as I know I'm not your daddy (blood test pending of course. I get around) so why do I pick up your shit?

#2 SOAKING THE FLOOR WITH WATER
#3 is actually the only pet peeve of mine that takes place in the weight area. The other two are where the magic happens. This place of course is the locker room. For people like myself who have no intention of hanging out in the lockerroom longer than it takes to get changed, this one will drive you nuts: a wet floor. Oh, what? dosen't sound so bad? Well I hate it. I hate walking in and slipping around on the tiles. What the hell do these guys bath in baby oil? But the worst part about a wet floor is wet socks. I take my shoes off and try my hardest not to get my feet even the tiniest bit wet yet it happens ever single time. And somehow my pants end up getting wet too. But why is te floor so wet you might be asking yourself? Well good for you. I like people who are inquisitive. You get a cookie. This actually leads us to my #1 pet peeve:

#1 NAKED GUYS IN THE LOCKER ROOM
If there is anything that ruins my day faster than seeing a naked guy I dont want to know about it. Because it pretty much goes to shit right about there. Kinda like getting punched in the gut and than seeing someones balls.

These guys come out of the shower with their junk just flapping around, having a merry old time, dripping wet because they dont usea towel. Who needs to use a towel? Were all guys in here and its a gym locker room! Its bad enough that they are standing around in their birthday suit but they than go about their normal activities like jmoneymadskillz wants see the goods. Comb the hair? No problem. Brush their teeth? Okey dokey. Shave? A OK. Do your taxes? Sure! Who cares. They;ll just get a little wet since you dont use a damn towel but I'm sure the I.R.S. wont care because they all do the same thing, obviously. Now you may be saying, "Whats the big deal? Just stop staring you perv." Well why didn't I think of that? Of yea, I did but than this happens: the ball drying. This is not a fictional tale. This really happened while I was in the locker room. The naked man has just finished shaving and brushing his teeth and is now combing his hair, even styling it with a blow drier when he must finally notice he is soaking wet. "Well hell" he thinks to himself, "I have a blow drier and I have wet balls. How about I put my leg up on the bench near this nice gentleman (me) and procede to BLOW DRY MY BALLS! Oh yea. It happened. I walkedout in disgust. And that is why naked guys in the locker room are my numero uno pet peeve. God have mercy on my soul.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

 

I am officially a blogger


I suppose as of this date, july something 2006, I am giving into the world of blogging. Now all of my adoring fans all over the world can hang onto my every word. By adoring fans I of course mean my mom and that weird lady on my block with the huge birthmark that covers half of her face and smells like poontang juice. Great broad. So blogging, yea... maybe I will write one more than twice and maybe give a chuckle or even better actually write about something. What more do you want from me?!?!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

 
Sexual Harassment and You

Yesterday at work, we had a staff meeting that included a brief discussion about sexual harassment at the workplace. I was praying they would play one of those cheesy videos. They didn't. But this SNL skit really tells it like it is when it comes to the subject. Enjoy.

 

how does this work

how does this work?, am i the only one in here

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

 

Inauguration, featuring Paris Hilton


Being that it's 2006, I've decided to stop living in '05 and start blogging. Now I don't know how I'm going to top this crazy life-altering step in '07 but I'll worry about that when the time comes. Maybe I'll get a wireless mouse or something.

Anyway, I want to share with you the inspiration behind my decision to start a blog. Her name is Paris Hilton. You all know her. Many of you hate her (women 21 and up) and many of you love her (straight men and any girls under 21 who can't read or write and who are obsessed with the color pink). Things had calmed down in Paris World ever since the sex tape, aka the tape that proved God is a man or lesbian, and the time when she almost married a guy named Paris. What are the odds of that?

But Paris is back. And this time, she's a musician. I was listening to Q102 yesterday when I heard her new song. The title: Stars Are Blind. The lyrics: Even though the gods are crazy, even though the stars are blind, if you show me real love baby, I'll show you mine. A lyrical genius, for sure.

This all got me thinking about the struggling musicians who will be upset at the fact that they had more talent when they were just a fetus than Paris will ever have in her entire life. And while that is true, Paris is still hot. And she made a sex tape. And she has loads of money she didn't earn. And she smells like cinnamon. And that's just the way it is. Oh by the way Mr./Ms. Struggling Musician, I just heard a different Paris single on the radio tonight. I didn't catch the name of it and I really don't feel like looking it up because I'm beginning to question my coolness after typing the lyrics to the first song.

Note to Philly area people: Feel free to make complete fun of me, a 23-year-old male for listening to Q102 but it enables me to practice my amazing dance moves, and any station that plays Kelly Clarkson is okay by me.

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