Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Breaking news: The Cold War is not over, but Pam and Kid are done
But seriously, you got that Russian spy who was apparently poisoned to death. And he claimed it was the Russian prez, Putin, who did it. This is straight out of a movie about the Cold War.
Solid headlines include "Pastor accused in alleged murder plot," "High School coach arrested in prostitution sting, "Snoop Dog Arrested again", not to mention countless local stories about a controversial Christmas tree ornament that may or may not resemble a gun. Who gives a shit? Props to Jill Porter for pointing out that the silly protesters and reporters have done wonders for Urban Outfitters.
Then you got Michael Irvin, who somehow still has a job even though he's a junkie who cannot make an unbiased comment about anything. And who recently entered the world of stupid commentators who make stupid remarks but pass it off as a joke to make it all better. Please break your neck again soon.
But the big news is that Britney and Paris are hanging out. Seriously, I heard this 784 times the past few days. They are friends and we need an update on their whereabouts every hour on the hour.
Other celeb shockers:
Pam and Kid Rock broke up. Didn't see that one comin.
Jeter is banging Jessica Biel. Nice catch Derek. Definitely an upgrade from the annoying Mariah Carey.
Lindsay Lohan is an anorexic/drug addict.
Tony Danza came out of the closet, saying he "wanted to break free."
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Temple U's basketball team has a different feel to it this season. A calm and sane feel. With hall of fame coach John Chaney no longer leading the Owls, one is forced to cope with the fact that we will never witness another great Chaney outburst like this one.
Even worse, we'll never see another 300 pound player come off the bench with the sole purpose of injuring the opponent.
Two games in and we already miss ya Coach Chaney. By the way, Temple is 0-2. But on the bright side, they are calling the season "Frantastic," so we all don't forget the new coach's name is Fran.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
In true holiday spirit, ABC aired A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving last night. Boring. But what if there was a Peanuts reunion? Thanks Family Guy.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Worst day ever, part 2
Oh and if you want to remind me that the Birds rallied to make the postseason a few years back when 5 went down, good for you. But that magic is not there this season.
In other kill-me-why-don't-ya news, the Phils did not sign coveted free-agent Alfonso Soriano. He instead chose to go with the Cubs for a ridiculous amount of money that Chitown will most likely regret in a few years. It would have been a huge upgrade to sign Al and may have put this team over the top. But I say good for the Phils for not spending $136 mil. Now hopefully they have a backup plan. Please God, let them have a backup plan. They're so close.
I can't take sports anymore.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Suggested topic: Abortion
i felt like writing something but wasn't sure what to write about. So i asked Tone Loc and he suggested abortion. So here is how i feel.
of course i think woman should be able to choose if they want an abortion. i'm all for womans rights. think of it like this, the quicker you kill your little unborn baby living inside of you the quicker you can make me a sandwich. i am going to get soooo much shit for that but i'm leavin it!
Worst burglar ever.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
If it doesn't fit, you must write a book about the murders you committed but were found innocent for
OJ's new book, titled If I Did It, was co-written with Al "Why did people start calling me A.C." Cawlings and Kato Kalin, otherwise known as K-squared, and dedicated to the late Johnny Cochran.
Wait. What is it about?
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
"Just like that mother fucker"
Legendary college hoops coach/maniac Bobby Knight is at again. During last night's game on the sidelines, he slapped one of his players, adding yet another incident to his coaching resume.
The kid doesn't seem to care so I say no harm no foul.
Knight has been responsible for some classic soundbytes and video clips over the years. My favorite happens to be a moment when he was away from the b-ball court and on the golf course, during which he showed us it's not a temper problem, it's a case of tourettes syndrome. PLEASE WATCH!
Those of us who attempt to golf can relate to the way he's feeling. You gotta love Coach Knight.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Power Metal!... whatever that is
Friday, November 10, 2006
and than there was three
LOS ANGELES - Jack Palance, the craggy-faced menace in "Shane," "Sudden Fear" and other films who turned to comedy at 70 with his Oscar-winning self-parody in "City Slickers," died Friday.
Palance died of natural causes at his home in Montecito, Calif., surrounded by family, said spokesman Dick Guttman. Palance was 85 according to Associated Press records, but his family gave his age as 87.
I guess J-Money was right (RIP Gerald Levert)
Gerald Levert Dies from Heart Attack
Cleveland, OH - Breaking news this midday.
19 Action News has learned that R&B singer Gerald Levert has died suddently - at the age of 40 - from a heart attack.
19 Action News is following this breaking story - and will have much more starting First at Four.
Look at Rutgers winning football games. Who do these guys think they are? Who would have thought RU fans would storm the field in celebration? And they got do it twice! Silly students.
Tony Soprano is so happy right now.
Big ups to my crew in the 732.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
They come in three
Jared from the subway commercials.
no, it wont be from health issues, it will be from being punched in the face everyday for two years from being in those lame commercials. NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: former fatso formerly alive.
the naked gay guy from the first survivor.
i believe he is doing some time in prison for not paying taxes on his game show winnings. idiot. he is the real winner now though because he can get it in the pooper all day and night. i predict he will be beaten to deth by prison guards for not putting clothes on.
this guy is just a sad exscuse for a former saved by the bell mega star. oh how the mighty have fallen. i predict he will be murdered by a jealous lisa turtle after giving another woman a dirty sanchez on film. its her favorite
a very, very, very, very, very, very, very mild celebrity by all standards of the word but still, he was on lasalle tv... or some other shitty college channel, on the newspaper and looks like a mini version of head of PR. cause i like ya tone, i predict you will die in a naked woman avalanche. NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: happiest man to ever die in the history of the world!
Of course my predictions may or may not come true, i'm not nostrodomus you assholes, but its still fun to guess who will round out the other two dead celebrities. if you have any suggestions, feel free to list em.
Shoutouts to Temple Garden, China House, and Temple Star, among others.
Thanks for the 4 (errr... 4.5) years of chicken wings and fries, and the containers of iced tea. Thanks for delivering even tho we lived a quarter of a block away. Thanks for staying open til 3:30am even tho you said 2 on the menu. Thanks for allowing me to eat on 3 dollars a day. Thanks for having three restaurants in a 3 block radius.
RIP Philly's own Ed Bradley (from 60 Minutes)
CBS News Correspondent Ed Bradley Dies of Leukemia at 65
By Howard Kurtz
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, November 9, 2006; 12:22 PM
Ed Bradley, the veteran "60 Minutes" correspondent and one of the pioneering black journalists of his generation, died today of leukemia. He was 65.
Bradley, who had won 19 Emmy awards, covered an incredible array of stories after joining the CBS newsmagazine in 1981, from brain cancer to sexual abuse in the Catholic Church to the high school shootings at Columbine.
He also reported a number of award-winning documentaries, covered political conventions and filled in on the "CBS Evening News" and other programs.
Bradley remained active on "60 Minutes," but he had been ill for some time and underwent heart surgery about a year ago.
"He was this gentle giant," said Bob Schieffer, CBS's chief Washington correspondent and a close friend. "He just did so much for so many African-American kids. He was a great role model."
Monday, November 06, 2006
Vote or don't bitch about things
New Jersey is apparently a battleground state with Tom Kean (R) and Bob Menedez (D, not one of the brothers who killed their parents in '92) duking it out for the Senate. If I do vote tomorrow, I will probably pick Kean because Menendez was my commencement speaker last year and he was so boring. I mean Nova has Big Bird, Penn has Jodie Foster, and we have some guy I never heard of.
The main reason I can't stand election years is because of the ridiculous recorded phone calls I get from famous people. And the calls become more frequent as we get closer to election day. Recent calls to my house include Bill Clinton (I think I heard Monica in the background), Joe Piscopo (whose only funny SNL character was Frank Sinatra and even Phil Hartman did him better), Kelly Ripa (who always calls because her dad is running again), and Mario Andretti (who said he was reaching out to his Italian American friends). Mario was my favorite. Shouldn't he be calling hicks in the south who actually watch Nascar religiously?
I guess there is some research out there that shows people are swayed by negative ads and celebrity phone calls. I'm not one of them. When I run for office in 2012, I'm going to change the politics of America.
Tone Loc 2012. Because America needs a cool leader.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
First of all JMoney, it should be noted that despite the fact that your posts are usually wildly inappropriate, the downfall of What the F? probably began immediately after the initial post. That said, I write for at the very least my own amusement. I'm the funniest person I know. Hands down.
Anywho, I haven't had a minute to write lately because...wait for it...
...I've been busy courting the newly single sexy vixen Reese Witherspoon. Alot of adjectives there. Well guess what, she is no longer single. In case you missed Pat O'Brien's latest report where he doesn't breath through his nose, he broke the news that Reese and I are currently dating. More to come on this so stay tuned for the wedding announcement.
Smell ya guy from Cruel Intentions. He better have a supermodel lined up. How does one let June Carter get away? Seriously, he isn't even a big star is he?
Friday, November 03, 2006
The decline of western civilization partIII: whatthefphilly
Earlier this morning myself and I-cog were talking about this little blog we got here and how popular it has gotten (maybe 10 people looked at it. Thats a lot right?) and than all of sudden how unpopular it has gotten (down to about 3 readers... who also write for it). We tried to pin point where exactly everything started gonig down hill. We could probably point to every post I have ever made but instead we pointed at this one. This little diddy created some controversy around the office, mostly from flipflopgirl from sounpretty, but still controversy. So without further adu, the post that made me look like a scumbag to all women.
The other day when I was walking home from work when I noticed an older woman, late 30s probably, that had quite the sad face on her puss.
I don't know exactly why but I started to feel bad. I didn't know her and I will most likely never see her again but I felt like I should do something to cheer her up. But what? I didn't want to talk to this broad (she was nerdy looking) so just throwing out a hello was out. Plus I dont think that would actually cheer anyone up. Maybe a smile? Smiles are good but i think she needed something more than that. Thats when it struck me. Before I smile at her I'll check out her ass so she thinks I like what I see.
So I wait till she looks over at me, let her see me look down, throw her a smile and vola! She looks a little disgusted but I know that underneath that confused nerdy look she is elated. I know that made her day... she may have not liked it when I made a "V" with my fingers and licked in between them but that part cheered me up.
F.Y.I. - Just so everyone stops getting grossed out this did NOT actually happen. Its a fictional tale