Monday, August 28, 2006


Its on like Donkey Kong

I think what the f Philly has some competition:

The war has begun. To survive a war, you gotta become war. (10 points for whoever knows what movie that is from)


If I haven't played it, it's new to me

Although playstation 2 has been out for years now I do not own one. In fact I probably havent even played it more than a handful of times. What does this mean you may ask? It means its time to buy a playstation 2.

As I write this Playstation 3 is being forged by plastic in a very very hot little room somewhere in Korea by people who would think what I spent on lunch today was a fortune. So shouldn't I just wait till this game consoule beast comes out? Hell no. Playstation 3 is gonig to belike $600! Not to mention pricey games to go with it. This is where my lack of PS2 playing comes in handy. Since I have never played any of te games they are all new to me. And still gonig to be great. The only difference is that its all going to cost less than one session with Tonelocs mom. I figure i'll be able to get a PS2 for around $100. Used or new, doesn't matter. Games? Roughly $20. Am I a genius for waiting like 8 years before buying a PS2? I like to think so.




The third season of Entourage came and went with Vinnie Chase's career at a standstill and Ari Gold no longer his agent. It's amazing how quick HBO seasons go by. I remember the months of anticipation leading up to the season three premiere in June. I couldn't wait to see how Aquaman turned out. Now, it's already over and season four is so far away. Here are a few thoughts following the finale:

-Bob Ryan is a senile jackass. He ruined Vinnie's shot at playing Joey Ramone. He sucks more than Mandy Moore after she broke up with Vince.
-Ari is a lying, sneaky, arrogant rat- exactly the way an agent should be. My friend e-mailed me today saying that Jeremy Piven (Ari) has not yet signed on for next season. It would be a huge blow to the show if he's not around.
-Johnny Drama solidified his place among the greatest television characters ever. Not quite on the level of Costanza but he's one of those characters that makes you laugh everytime he speaks. Season three, episode nine is the performance that elevated Drama to "classic character" status.
-Since the show is based on my boy Mark Wahlberg's acting career, I'm wondering if the Ramones project is really dead. Marky Mark starred in a movie called Rock Star in 2001, not long after he starred in the remake of Planet of the Apes, which is the equivalent of Vinnie's Aquaman, according to Wahlberg. Something to think about.
-Turtle got hosed.
-What's with HBO not giving loyal viewers the pleasure of an hour-long season finale?
-If I ever see Jake Gylennhal on the street, he's gonna get it.

Thursday, August 24, 2006


As My Friends Would Say...Smell Yah Pluto

Shocking developments from our solar system: Pluto is no longer considered a planet. This is what the world's leading astronomers concluded today. I tried to reach the former planet for a comment but there was no answer. I did, however, get in touch with Neptune, Pluto's neighbor.

"It's sad, really," said Neptune. "One day you're a planet, the next day you're a dwarf planet. It just ain't right."

Not all planets were surprised by the news, though.

"I always knew there was something weird about Pluto," said Venus. "Honestly, I didn't feel safe with him around. I'm relieved that he's gone and this solar system is better for it."

Harsh words from the second planet from the sun.

Coming up...Was Pluto stealing Neptune's moons? We've got the dirt on the other side.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


What the F?

Just read:

New 'Survivor' divides groups by race

LOS ANGELES - Get ready for a segregated "Survivor." Race will matter on the upcoming season of the CBS show as contestants will be divided into four tribes by ethnicity. That means blacks, whites, Latinos and Asians in separate groups.

The announcement was made on CBS' Early Show. Host Jeff Probst says the idea "actually came from the criticism that 'Survivor' was not ethnically diverse enough." He says the twist fits in perfectly with what "Survivor" does, saying the show is "a social experiment. And this is adding another layer to that experiment." Probst says contestants had mixed reactions to the racial divisions.

This time the new Survivors are stranded on the Cook Islands in the South Pacific. The castaways include a police officer, a heavy metal guitarist, an attorney and a nail salon manager. The new season of Survivor debuts September 14th.

What the F*&k??!

Monday, August 21, 2006


Weekend Observations

Because my weekend consisted of less action than a JLo/Ben Affleck flick, I had plenty of time to think about things. Here's what I came up with.

I need to get more sleep. Seriously. I went out Friday night, had a few drinks, was home by 12:30, asleep by 1, and still couldn't get out of bed for an 11am rendezvous in Philly. Even after a solid nine hours of sleep, I was still dead tired. There should be a day dedicated just to sleeping. And don't tell me that Sunday is a day of rest. I have to wake up for church and football.

Us Americans are easily entertained. After weeks of unexplained hype, Motherfuckin Snakes on a motherfuckin Plane finally hit theaters Thursday night. SOAP raked in a measly $15.25 mil but was still cine numero uno this weekend. The fact that this movie was built up so much and that people were so into it is hilarious. And if it weren't for my 13-month streak of not going to the movies, I would have went to experience the unintentional comedy of snakes slithering around on an aircraft.

In the world of sports, Tiger Woods is ridiculous. He won his third PGA championship Sunday, making it his 12th major win. And he's only 30. I won't get into arguing about whether or not golfers should be considered athletes. But if they are, Tiger will no doubt go down as one of the greatest ever by the time his career is over. In other news, the Phillies have officially sucked me back in. It's the first time since last September that I actually think this team has a shot to make the playoffs. For whatever reason, they got some life and are playing good ball right now. I'm setting myself up for another disappointing ending aren't I?

Summer doesn't feel like summer anymore. Regardless, there are only a couple more weeks left to slop it up down the shore so I best take advantage.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


Reminiscing the days growing up

Before I even begin to write what I want to write about, let me say that this John Mark Karr character is a real nut. The guy who recently confessed to the 1996 murder of JonBenet Ramsey is beyond creepy. He weighs about seven pounds, is no doubt a pedophile, and goes by all three names- the tell-tale sign of an absolute wack job- just like Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes Booth and Hilary Rodham Clinton. Today, I read that he had inquired about undergoing a sex-change operation in Bangkok. Oh the irony. Karr is so nuts that many aren't ready to believe that he is really the killer.

I don't know what to believe, but the fact that this infamous murder is ten years old fascinates me. Time truly does fly by and all this got me thinking of some of the things that have occurred in the last ten years, all while this case remained unsolved.

Since '96:
-I've finished 8th grade and graduated both from high school and college, yet I am still just as immature as I was in 8th grade.
-I got my drivers license and have owned three different cars.
-I became old enough to buy cigarettes and beer and have spent lots of money on alcohol.
-I've owned four cell phones- some of you have owned at least 10.
-The Eagles went from okay to awful to "they are so good they will win at least two Super Bowls in the '00's." The Broncos won two, The Pats won three. I'm still waiting for the Birds to win SB number one.
-The Phillies have sucked it up all ten years while the Marlins, a franchise since only '93 I think, have won 2 World Series.
-Britney Spears pulled a total 180 going from sexy schoolgirl to "did I really use to fantasize about this redneck, hillbilly mom?"
-The boy band craze came and went with such classics as NSync, Backstreet Boys, 98 degrees, and my personal favorite LFO. Did they all break up?
-Frank Sinatra, Bob Hope, Princess Diana, Aaliyah, Reggie White, Ron Reagan, Notorious BIG, George Harrison, Walter Payton, Peter Jennings, Lisa Left Eye Lopez, Chris Penn, John Ritter, Kirby Puckett, Rodney Dangerfield, Old Dirty Bastard, Johnny Carson, Johnny Cash, the Pope, and many other famous peeps have all bounced. Mike Tyson is pretty much dead, too.
-there was Clinton "not having sex with Monica", Columbine, 9/11, GWBush elected twice, Columbia crash on its way back from space, the snipers in Va and DC area, US invading Iraq, Scott Peterson sentenced to death, Katrina wiping out New Orleans and parts of Miss and Louisiana.

Ten years gone by so quickly.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


The Beach: Not starring Leonardo Dicaprio

I spent this past weekend down the shore at my parents shore house, which is lovely I might add. The house is in Erma. That is right near the Cape May airport and about 15 minutes from Wildwood so clearly it is in the greatest spot ever. Its like living on park place with 3 hotels built on it, and you get to be the top hat!

Being down the shore means a couple of things: drinking, BBQ, drinking, and the beach. Oh yes, the beach. Like I said my house is near both Wildwood and Cape May so I have 2 options to soak up the rays. But wait. Theres a 3rd option. The greatest beach that no one knows about because its near Erma, and who ever heard of Erma? Exactly, no one.

When you go to a beach and you find a space this is considered "your space". But really, how big is "your space"? Its barely enough room for you and your shit, thats how big. Theres someone within a foto of you in every direction. But not Erma. "MY space" only had one couple within 20 feet of me. Yup, 20 feet. And on the other side? No one. I'm not saying that the beach was completly empty but if you walk down just a little it almost becomes your own fantasy island. Minus the cute little midget of course. Did I mention that the couple next to us brought the cutest dalmation I have ever seen? Did I mention that your allowed to bring your dog to the beach? Because you are. And just about everyone did. I actually talked with this couple a little and was playing with dottie (the dalmation) in the water. She didnt even mind my cigar smoke.

If bringing your dog to a beach doesn't make it cool enough for you here are soem other things I noticed while smoking in the ocean:

• People fishing on the same beach. Its not too weird I guess but usually there are seperate beaches for people to fish. Apparently swimmers dont like to get hooked while they're boogie boarding. Sissies.

• I actually saw a couple of kids go to the far end of the beach and start wacking golf balls into the ocean. They were no Tiger Woods but still.

• Kayakers, jet skis, and boats, oh my. These people were coming about 50 ft. to the beach like it wasn't a big deal. I guess because its technically the bay and it has no waves it makes it a lot easier to not get washed up on shore like Pauly Shores career. Fuck you Pauly Shore!

Well I guess thats about it from the Erma beach. Craziness for sure but the good kind. Next time we go down I think I'm gonig to smoke a joint, stroll around naked, set off fireworks, tear the tags off of pillows, not return overdue library books, and jay walk to get there because anything goes baby!

Monday, August 14, 2006


The Roots

This Thursday, the greatest band in hip-hop (okay, the only relevant band in hip-hop but great regardless) is coming home and performing at the Electric Factory. They tour constantly and I've seen 'em perform 4-5 times now, but they never disappoint.

Since 2 people dropped out at the last minute (which royally pisses me off, but its my fault for buying 6 tickets without confirming anything), I have 2 extra tickets. That's right, 2 tickets to see "The Legendary Roots Crew" for the small price of whatever it says on the ticket (like 23 bucks). I don't know how many (if any) Roots fans are reading this, but if anyone is interested in the tickets, let me know.

I'll leave you with 2 videos. The first one is a live concert with Jill Scott with the Roots performing a remix edition of the grammy award winning song "You Got Me".

This next video is from 2002's Phrenology, "The Seed 2.0":

Thursday, August 10, 2006


Turtle Power

Its possible I'm the only one here who cares but:

Ahhhh, childhood....

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Twiddle your thumbs and look busy

It is nine o'clock in the morning. I am sitting at my trusty desk listening to my trusty Sirius radio writing in my my not so trusty blog. I dont know what it is but I just dont trust this bitch. Anyway. As I am sitting here I realized: I dont feel like doing anything. Honestly I dont even know why I am writing this blog. I could literally just stare into the void and be in total bliss. And I'm not talking about Ms. Bliss from saved by the bell... although wouldn't mind totally being in Bliss if ya knows whats I mean. Buh Dum Bum. To procrastinate just a little more, here is a list of things to do instead of work:

5. Surf the internet
This is like me telling you that you need to breath to live. Everyone does a little surfing at work on down time. And if you say you dont then you are a Chester the child molester.

4. Blog
If you have ever wondered why whenever I write a blog its total crap, the reason for it is I am bored and dont feel like working. Its not that I have anything important on my mind, Lord knows theres not much activity gonig on it there. It is a nice little time killer and I get to put words together! skim swim dim limb shimshalabim!

3. Read the paper
When I really dont feel like working but I cant procrastinate due to too much heat from peeps I read the paper. "But if the man is raining down upon you how can you read the paper?" Well thats where the trick comes into play. Ladies and children you may not want to read this part in fear of knowing something about me you didnt want to know. Or maybe its something your dieing to know? The best way to read the paper is to go to the bathroom. Dont have to go? Oh well. Try. And while your trying read the paper. It is the reason your in there.

2. Take a lap
Nothing beats taking a lap around the office and talking with your coworkers. You get to stretch your legs and make mindless chatter with others. Its a win win situation.

1. Going out of the building
Need to run to the drugstore? Feel like getting a water ice? Have a dream of running a triathalon? NO? So what? Lets just go to get out of the office for a minute. I usully make people go on these little adventures with me and they never say no. Trust me, its not because of my charm or Hygiene. I literally force one of my coworkers to get a water ice with me every other day. Just yesterday myself and Tone Loc went to tower for like 30 minutes at three in the afternoon. Is that procrastinating or just being a badass mofo? Dont answer that.

Monday, August 07, 2006


Step 1: Listen to Song, Step 2: Have Sex

I love how news is prioritized these days. With the exception of the Heeeeeeeezbolah vs. Israel steel cage match, the world must be asleep today because the headline on almost every news site reads 'Study: Sexy music leads to teen sex' or something along those lines. First of all, that is a great headline. It pulled me right in. Second, what is sexy music? And why are teens doing the Winnie Cooper/Kevin Arnold no pants dance because of it?

The answer to the first question is complex. Sexy music has evolved over the years. Gone are the days when parents used to cover their kids eyes as Elvis was swinging his hips to Heartbreak Hotel (1. because he got super fat and 2. because he's dead). That was the NC-17 moment of the 50's and early 60's. Or when Michael Bolton cheesily sang "When a Man Loves a Woman." That too was pretty sexy.

Nowadays, I think sexy music could be classified as any song:
1. that refers to a woman's backside as a "booty," "ass," or my personal favorite "donkey."
2. that uses the above terms in the sentence "back that ___ up."
3. where a guy and a girl are going back and forth talking about unbuttoning their clothes.
4. where a female singer talks about a guy who she wants to have a baby with- that practically screams sex.
5. that includes references that I simply don't understand and have to ask someone to explain. For example, "london bridge" or "milkshakes."

Why would these songs have an impact on teens? As the article points out there are lot of other factors that could be taken into consideration for why teens are having sex. But here's my theory: teenagers, for the most part are pretty stupid. And they are horny. Stupid and horny = sex. Enough said. By the way, this is my second Michael Bolton reference today.


Are graphic tee's for me?

I little while back, probably about a month now, I began seriously thinking about starting my own little business. "What kind of special, magical even, business are you thinking of starting Jmoney? You sexy man mountain of muscle." First, thanks for the compliment. And second: a online graphic t-shirt site. Yup. I want to create my own amusing t-shirts and sell them on the world wide web. In theory it all sonds pretty easy. I can make my own web site. Design my own t-shirts. Rob people walking down the side walk wearing plain t-shirts to print on. Its a full proof plan I tells ya. The only problem is that I haven't really done anything to get it off the ground. I bought a couple books online to help me out but they were not very useful. Mostly because I dont know how to read and what little I do know how to read I wont. Reading is for nerds. And I am no nerd. I also came up with some ideas one night and came up with a solid ten ideas at least but this was like 2-3 weeks ago now. I haven't even tried to actually design any shirt or even think of how the site would look. I think the main reason is self doubt. Is anyone gonig to even like my shit? Would anyone ever see my site? Is it worth the money? Did I leave the oven on before I left my house? Has my house burned to the ground? etc. What does everyone think? Should invest my time and effort into this little project or just sit in my basement and make my own techno music? A little feedback would be appreciated.


I feel like rambling...

I just had one of the best weekends in my short adult life. I'm aching, exhausted, and debit card-less (I lost it in the first 2 hours I was in Boston on Friday night, i think this is card number 8 or 9 at this point), but it was all worth it.

Until I had to wake up this morning. If I ever figure out who invented Monday mornings, I'm going back in time, slapping them with a glove, and challenging them to a duel. (Its only fair that they get a chance to defend themselves. )

If I survive the duel, I'm gonna create a list of people who had no business designing airports, but for some reason decided to take a stab at it anyway, and delfate their tires.

I can honestly say I'm excited for the second season of Flavor of Love on VH1 (Flavor Flav reality show). I watched it last year when there was nothing else on, and Season 2 premiered last night. I was on the fence on whether to subject myself to this kind of low brow entertainment until Saturday night when my friends and I were cursed out severely by bum in a viking hat with horns. The tirade continued until the man stopped, turned and just like the dude in the above photo does, yelled "FLAAAAVORRRRRR FLAAAAAAAAVV!!!!!" at the top of his lungs.

Obviously it was a sign.

Friday, August 04, 2006


Is This It?

I am officially an old man. Plans for my five-year high school reunion are in the works. It seems like only yesterday I was creeping around the halls of CCHS. Now I'm sitting in 'Cublicle de Tone' with real responsiblities (like blogging). Pretty soon I'll be residing in a nursing home where someone will be feeding me as I dominate the daily BINGO games. The best days of my life have passed me by. Is there anything else to look forward to?

On a side note, I always remember thinking high school was going to be like Saved By the Bell which both excited and frightened me. It wasn't really like it all. People didn't get stuffed in lockers. There were alot of meatheads but none even came close to matching the meatheadish standard set by one Albert Clifford Slater. People did real drugs, not caffeine pills. There was no one out there as dreamy as the Polish Princess Kelly Kapowski was in her prime. And people didn't start fights like


I just lost a dear friend

Last night, I lost a friend I've had since 12th grade. My television. It saw me graduate from high school and was with me all 4 (plus) years of college. It was with me through countless games (losses) of Madden on PS2, experienced my movie collection moving from VHS to DVD, got dropped on Broad Street (twice), punched during Eagles games (but always made up in time for the Simpsons) and was there during tons of unforgettable television events.

It was actually depressing having to throw it out last night.

RIP: My TV (2000-2006)

"I close my eyes, only for a moment, then the moment's gone"

Thursday, August 03, 2006


The King and I

Yesterday I had the privilege of being in the presence of royalty. Upon my return to NJ after work, I was approached by a thirty-something man outside of PATCO's Ferry Ave. station in crime-free Camden.

"I'm the King of Ferry Ave," he proclaimed, as me and dozens of other speedliners left the station. "Help support the King."

Wait a second. Why was the king of an entire PATCO station asking me, a commoner, for money? Then I thought maybe this guy wasn't really a king. He didn't look like your ordinary king, which led me to believe he could have been part of some new generation of kings. He had on a Nirvana t-shirt (king has a good taste in music), jean shorts (which I think stopped being produced in 1997), a backwards hat which may or may not have have had the NASCAR logo on it, and a pair of new balances (a king's gotta have comfortable shoes).

But for some reason I had a good feeling about this guy. He was a king in my eyes. So I pulled out my wallet and supported the King's fund. I gave him all the change I had, 25 cents. Maybe someday the King of Ferry Ave. and I will meet again. And I can only hope that he will remember Tone loc as being a loyal supporter of his glorious kingdom


34 motherf@cker!

Looks like my half post about Chase worked out splendidly. Last night, after gonig 0-4 I believe he got a hit, if I remember correctly, in the 8th inning. There was a little dispute if it was a hit or a fielders choice. It was actually ruled a hit, than a fielders choice (which means no more hitting streak), but than it was ruled a hit... again. And everyone rejoiced. Amazingly thugh he got another at bat in the 9th (the Phillies scored 16 runs so its not that hard to comprhend) and got a legit hit so now there is no dispute about the streak. Hooray. One more thing I would like to bring up totally unrelated to the fightin's: Tone Loc got a hair cut. And he looks goofier than ever!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006



Yesterday was a monumental moment in parrot head history. Well, maybe not every parrot head but one important one: my girlfriend. Thats right nerdlingers, we went to see Jimmy Buffet at the Tweeter center. As a non-fan of Mr. Buffet I must say it was actually a very fun concert. Especially since we didnt even think we were gonig to get in.

We had planned on going over to Camden with some booze and just sitting outside and listening to the show. Its better than sitting home right? We figured scalped tickets would cost us a furtune but we were wrong. Turns out if you try and buy a ticket 10 minutes before the show scalpers are a little desperate to get rid of them. And desperate he was. We explained how we only had $80 to spend on the seats. This for some reason does not make a scalper very happy. Especially when he only has one cheap lawn seat left, which costs $36 and all of the rest are $126 orchestra seating. What is a scalper to do? He gives you both for a whopping $80. Booya! So we go on the lawn and we're talking about what a deal we just got because I thought we bought a $36 and $26 seat. Since my gf is a the buffet fan I told her that she should go and sit in the good seat for awhile and I would stay on the lawn (I'm a great guy, I know. No need to comment on it). So after only a song she comes back. Turns out theres plenty of room in that row. Thanks to the magic ticket I got to hear cheese burger in paradise about 50ft away from Buffet. Its too bad I dont like him. But that wasn't important, she had a great time and thats all that mattered... that and now she owes me her soul muhahahaha. (I eat souls if you didnt know)

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


Rock On MTV

Any trivia buff or normal human being knows that it was 25 years ago to the day that MTV premeired with Video Killed the Radio Star by the Buggles. Many great music videos soon followed throughout the 80's and early 90's. There was Informer by Snow (Canada's greatest gift to America), Jump by Kris Kross, Crossroads by Bone Thugs N Harmony, 500 Miles by the Proclaimers, Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio. All classics without a doubt.

Then as we all know, the music stopped and the former 24-hour music video network became the we play music while your sleeping network. The shift from all music all the time to ridiculous shows whenever you want is now complete. And you know what? I love it.

Sure MTV has produced alot of crap, most notably Carson Daly. Not sure how that guy hosts his own show. I just hope he stays at 1:30 a.m. where he belongs. But MTV is now the ultimate guilty pleasure with reality shows like Laguna Beach, The Hills, and 8th and Ocean, all of which I reluctantly admit to watching from time to time... or every week. Then there is that insanely funny dating show called Next. Unbelievably funny especially when they have the gay ones. There have been some great Real Worlds ( Miami, Seattle, Chicago, Hawaii) and some great Challenges (any ones with Lori or Cara are good enough for me). I'm still waiting for Nick and Jessica to say their divorce was a joke because Newlyweds was quality programming. And who can forget the Spring Breaks? Lots of dry-humping going on during those.

Last but not least, though, MTV gave us two unforgetable characters: Beavis and Butthead. These two cartoon degenerates made my mom believe that I was going to start setting random things on fire. She made me stop watching. But the beauty of youtube now allows me to watch whenever I want. Plus I'm 23 so my mom can't really tell me what I can't watch anymore.

Okay, so MTV has alot of sucky shows now. I get it. Nonetheless, it's been around for a while and television has certainly changed because of it. USA Today put together a nice little top 25 MTV moments list. Do you remember where you were when MJ and Lisa Marie kissed on stage at the VMA's? Neither do I.


The Anti-Semite doesn't fall far from the tree

As everyone must know by now Mr. Passion of the Christ himself, Mel Gibson, was pulled over recently while drinking and driving. Now that could be bad enough but since he is a hollywood star no one would give a shit about it, he was in lethal weapon for christ sakes, except he happened to say something most people already knew by watching Passion for the Chrst and listening to his fathers views: he does not like the Jews. In fact when he was being arrested he repeatedly asked the arresting officer if he was a Jew. This is a lesson to all, the truth comes out when your drunk. It is also being reported he was dressed in drag and a tranny was riding shotgun. Did I mention he was shooting up heroin while driving too? Well he might not have done those last three but he might as well have been because he's gonig to be ruined.

On a totally unrelated topic the Phillies own, and one of the few shining stars, Chase Utley, has a certain streak going on. I dont want to say exactly what kind of streak as not to jink him. But I will say the number of things for this streak is 15+17 at the moment which is second in Phillies history. Hopefully Chase can go for another 6 and tie up J-Ro or even better yet surpass it. It would be possibly the only reason to watch the Fightin's besides Ryan "Ron" Howard hittin some bombs.

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