Monday, January 29, 2007

 

The Titty... I mean... Tiddy Bear

This is an actual product: The Tiddy Bear!


 

This is me rambling...




Rambling about socks...
When I was getting dressed this morning, I got delayed by 20 minutes because I couldn't find f*cking socks that matched. I had 7 socks with no match. What the F? Honestly, wearing mis-match socks doesn't bother me, but not even having the option to match em does bother me. A lot.

Rambling about relationships... long distance relationships...
They suck.

Rambling about the hot chocolate...
I got the White Hot Chocolate from Dunkin Donuts this morning, and that sh*t was excellent. And I usually hate white chocolate. I mean, its only appeal is the color. If white chocolate tasted white and looked brown, people would say "damn, this is some low quality chocolate". BUT, the White Hot Chocolate tasted better than regular hot chocolate and basically flipped my whole theory upside down. Or created some kind of inverse relationship when applied to liquid.

(I must have killed some brain cells this weekend, that whole paragraph was just stupid.)

Rambling about text messaging...
If I send you a text message, do not reply by calling me. It's just not logical. What the F?

Rambling about Amtrak...
Amtrak is awful. 65 bucks to get to DC? I just bought a plane ticket on Southwest to Nashville for only 48 dollars. Southwest uses airplanes and gives out courtesy peanuts. Amtrak does neither. Where does this huge price discrepancy come from? It comes from Amtrak's absolute suckiness. Unfortunately, it appears that nobody can rise up and rival Amtrak cause they own the rails or something like that (I'm not looking it up).

Rambling about bad blog posts...
An good example of a bad blog post is located above.

I'm off to do the electric slide.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

 

OH-IO

I don't know if I was excited that the Sixers won last night or sad. I think the win last night took them to 14 for the season and a few more ping pong balls away from drafting the next winner of Dancing with the Stars. What the F?

Welcome me back Tone Loc. Where have you been?

OH -IO



Wednesday, January 24, 2007

 

Breaking news: 10 pennies soon to be worth 50 cents

At least according to my homeboy Francois Velde at the Chicago Fed, who says that people will continue melting those copper bastards because their value increases. His solution: make pennies worth 5 cents and royally piss off the nickel family.

My opinion: nickels are bad ass mother fuckers. Penny done gone got itself into some trouble. I smell a coin currency turf war brewing.

The only reason I posted this was because the first seven people I told up in 30 South didn't believe me. Well, I guess you'll believe me when I'm $5 richer than you are because I saved my pennies.

Signing off for good, this is Emilio Estevez (Gordon Bombay). Good night and quack.

 

...Mutumbo?

Six months after my “What the F” invitation I am inspired to make my all-time blogging debut with a recount of a true what the F? moment from last night…

So I’m sitting on my couch watching the State of the Union for the normal stand up, sit down comedy, I think I fell asleep about halfway through after Bush expressed his outrage at how the “enemies of freedom” had suddenly “changed their tactics” (imagine that) and in a state of semi-sleep I hear the President Texas-drawl his way through the name “Dikembe Mutumbo.” As in that Dikembe Mutumbo, defensive anchor of the Sixers finals run, previously best known for spreading diplomacy through aggressive finger wagging and apparently, according to Bush, builder of several hospitals in his native Congo. It seems I was not the only one that found his appearance at the State of the Union kind of bizarre, as my phone immediately buzzed with a text saying only “…Mutombo?” from my displaced Philadelphia friend Ed (with whom I rang up a 9 text message back and forth with on Monday night expressing our absolute outrage that "24" could introduce Jack Bauer’s dad as a character- and a shady one at that- and not cast Donald Sutherland. Seriously Kiefer, you don’t have his number or what?).

Greatest regret of the night- Bush declining to refer to ambassador Mutombo (who still averages 3 pts and 6 boards a game for the Rockets by the way, even though his legs are in a condition somewhere between Chris Webber's and Barbaro's) by his full name (I’m not making this up) Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo. Can we get Will Ferrell as W doing that one? Somebody?


 

Magic hands


This subject that I am about to bring up should hit home with a lot of our readers here at whatthef because I think our only readers here are all women. Not that thats a bad thing, I dig you chick-a-dies, honest. And it will help me on this subject too.

The massage. What woman does not enjoy a good rub down? I dont think there is one out there. Even if your significant other has the hand strength of a ten year old girl you will still beg, "just around the shoulders a little bit". And admit it ladies, there are times when you would much rather have a massage then the old "bone" massage. Its cool. You girls deserve it for putting up with our shit all the time.

I feel its an even trade off but the only thing that needs to stop is the way you go about asking. Its always in that high pitch, "I have a crazy idea" voice. Like your about to throw down something out of this world crazy. Like what your about to ask is so out of the question. And you always ask the same way, "Do you think you can do me a favor"? Sure, what is it? "Doooo youuu thinkkkk (this parts done slowly)... "you can give me a massage?" (This part is done quick). You sly devils.

My absolute favorite part though is when I pretend like I'm all done. I hit everywhere on the body so I begin to slowly take my hands off waiting to hear these words, "Can you massage my butt?" You woman love your butt massaged! Its really the only reason you ask for it at all. I could spend two minutes on everything else but as long as you work the butt for ever its an awesome massage. At least thats my criteria for giving an awesome one.

I think in honor of this post Tone Loc and Incognegro should give free massages to the whole office. Butt massage optional.

Monday, January 22, 2007

 

Oops, I pooped my pants


This is kind of a continuation on my "best feeling" post i made last week. That one was about finding a new song you love. This one is about the element of surprise.

This is kinda cruel and you usually feel bad about it after but accidentally scaring the shit of someone is a great feeling. I dont mean startling someone, I mean making them jump and scream. And the more over the top they act the better. These are my two most recent accidents. I think they happened on the same day also which makes it even better.

I had some work that I needed sone by Monday so I decided to come into work on Saturday. Scary enough, I know. So I come in the side door very quit like because when no one else is in the office everything seems louder and I would just rather be quit OK? So I walk in, come through the copy room and see that my boss has her light on and is actually in her office working on Saturday also. Well, I dont want to scare her so I walk up to the doorway and are about to knock and say hi when she sees my reflection in her window and jumps out of her chair and literally does a 180 to face me and yells. This is hilarious to me now but I felt bad at the time. I thought she was gonig to have a heart attack. Because shes old.

The next one I didnt even do anything. I was just sitting at my desk working with the light out, again because I am weird I guess. When who should walk by but Miz Cynical. I didn't even know she was there. She could have easily scared the shit out of me but instead just by seeing my hideousness at my desk working scared her. She was not expecting me apparently. She later revealed to me that she pooped her pants. Twice.

Do you have a good "scared the shit outta someone" story? Jmoney wants to hear it. Especially if it involves nudity or lesbianism. Actually if it does not involve either just throw it in there somehow so its more interesting.

 

I am special

Click image to enlarge

I get e-mails from Jesus. And he pushes Viagra and Valium to me. And only the real Jesus could know my deepest, darkest secrets.

 

The hit is off

Dear God,
I know i asked you recently to "flood" nawlens. I'm not sure if you watched the game yesterday but they lost. You can call off the hit. Cancel that flood please, I dont need it on my concience. I even deleted my other post about it so theres no way to prove I ever actually asked for it in the first place... right?

Well, thanks for letting the Bears win. Your the best God. Amen.

Friday, January 19, 2007

 

Put it there


I have something pretty important I would like everyone to know and since everyone has been going blog crazy as of late I figured I would just do it here.

I don’t know how much I can trust everyone in our office anymore. A sad state of affairs I know but there is one way to get around this little di-lemma. An old trick I believe the commies came up with back in the day. Because they had a lot of spies. And transvestites. Mostly because of the trannys though. Who wants to end up in a bathroom stall with that? not me... Of course I am talking about a secret handshake. Its the only way I can be sure I can trust someone.

Unusual Suspect and Flip flop girl already have one so I can trust them, But the rest of you? No...fucking...way. Not until we can develop a special secret handshake of our own. I expect to see everyone at my cube sometime tomorrow or I will assume you are a commie transvestite and there for untrustworthy.

Disclaimer: handshake may contain nudity.

Just so everyone knows this is the dumbest thing I have ever written in my life but because you read it you are dumb as well. Therefore I feel better.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

 

The best feeling ever!!!


Some people may wonder what the best feeling in the world is. I am not one of them. I now know what the best feeling in the world is. "Is it love?", you ask. Haha, no. Love. You kill me. "Is it the feeling of waking up for work just to remember that it is actually Sunday?" No but that is really close. The best feeling is when you find a song, it might be a couple years old, a week or even 30 years old, that rocks your socks. From the opening chord you just get this feeling. That "holy shit this is fucking amazing. Thank God I found you, masterpiece on the getar." It happens a lot but its always great. Here are my two latest examples:

1. "Stone the crow"- Down
This song is probably like 8 years old or so but I love it. Its a former side project by Pantera frontman Phil "I love me some heroin" Anselmo. No one else here would probably like it. Its no Springstein if ya know whats I mean.

2. "Ralph Wiggum"- The Bloodhound Gang
Why, oh why have I not heard this song before? Its a must for every Simpson fan. It doesn't even have real lyrics. Its just Ralph Wiggum quotes strung together to make a song. Here is the chorus: "Ralphy, get off the stage sweetheat." Its gold Jerry. Gold!

Now I have to go find some more songs before I get tired of these two.

 

Five posts of shit crammed into one, part two

Alot on my mind today. So here it goes.

First, I'll start with everyone who says I should be pulling for New Orleans to win the Super Bowl because the city was destroyed by a hurricane. Okay, I get it. But it's not my fault you sit on the Gulf of Mexico. Anyway, go New Orleans! (sarcastic exclamation point). And have fun swimming back to your houses after the victory parade. Holla to my playas in the Lower Ninth Ward.

Now to the Eagles. After everyone, including myself,
wrote you off when Donovan went down, you showed us what you were made of and made it an exciting stretch run. Now, for next season, please resign Donte Stallworth, cut Dhani "I love to celebrate after making one tackle in a game" Jones, and sure up that run d. Also, you will be the death of me. This I'm certain.

My high school, Camden Catholic, aka greatest school ever, has been all over the news lately. First, I read that a former CCHSer is a dancer on some new MTV show with JLo. Her name?
"Jersey." Very creative. Next, I see that Miss New Jersey, also a CCHS grad, is giving up her crown because she is pregnant. That's scandalous. Big ups to the Fighting Irish.

New season of Entourage begins on April 8th. I'm counting down the days.

And finally, headline o' the day. The award goes to:
"Philadelphia lawyer found naked with teen girl." Don't even have to read the story.

Good day sir. I said good day.

 

20 of my favorite things

From a totally random post I made on my other blog, here's a list of all the products, websites, brands, and people that keep me entertained/happy/ or just make good sh*t.

1. Apple Computers - Back in 1991, my parents brought the first Apple computer into our house. In 2006, I brought the latest Apple computer into our house. That's 15 years of Apple right there. I dunno, the sh*t just works better.

2. The Roots - One of the best live shows in the music business, and defintely the best hip-hop show around. Underrated in every way.

3. Digg.com - At this point, I get like 50% of my news from this site. Talk about an idea that should have blown up earlier, digg will probably continue to get better and better.

4. Popcorn - Hands down the best food on the planet. I can't even describe how much I love popcorn.

5. Scarlett Johansson - Just give me a chance...

6. Nike - Asian sweatshops and overpriced Jordan's aside, they make the best sneakers. At least for me.

7. Dailymotion.com - Small video sharing site that, if you know where to look, has full movies and television shows available to watch. How else would I have seen John Tucker Must Die?

8. Facebook.com - I hate Myspace. Most of that is due to Facebook being superior in every way. Although it is incredibly stalkerish, thats like half the fun isn't it?

9. Boxer briefs - They are one of the few things that has achieved perfect balance.

10. Hoodies - One of the few other things that has acheived perfect balance.

11. Allen Iverson - He shall be missed.

12. Vodka - Ahhhhh...

13. Milk - Not after vodka though. Except in this case.

14. Australia - Since I was in Kindergarten, I've been intrigued by Australia. Originally because it was both a continent and a country, which freaked me out back then. Now, my only life goal is to go "Down Under".

15. My barber, Bob. - You have to be loyal to your barber.

16. Saturn - Currently, there are 3 Saturns at my house. That's not counting the one that got totalled in an accident... or the other that got totaled in an accident. I wonder if continuing to get Saturns is a bad idea.

17. Rosario Dawson - Just give me two chances...

18. Adult Swim - Discovered in college. Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Futurama, Robot Chicken, never dissapoint.

19. Will Smith - My hero.

20. I can't think of a last one. Oh well.

Monday, January 15, 2007

 

Five posts of shit cramed into one

I have a couple random things that I would like to touch base on so I think I'm gonig to throw them all in this here post in no particular order. Be warned, your head may explode.

First I would like to thank Dr. King for everything that he did while alive and in death. Mostly in death though. In particular, getting us this b-e-a-utiful Monday off. I just wish that more people could do great things like him so we could have more holidays. Presidents need not apply though. It would just get lumped into presidents day and would defeat the whole damn point.

Did I ever tell anyone about the lifelong search that I am on? Its not for a holy grail or Waldo. Its much better than that and even harder to find. Pictures of women. Pictures of women I know. Pictures of women I know naked on the internet. I just want to randomly find one of a girl I went to gradeschool with. It would make me so happy. I only know of one person who has ever accomplished this feat and his eyes lit up so much when he told me about it that I need to experience it.

I am already pumped up for The Simpsons movie that is coming out July 27th. I will definetly be seeing this on the 26th at 12:00 to be one of the first to see it. There is a possiblity that I will be on some sort of mind altering drug to enhance it also. Who am I kidding. I will be.

I need a massage.

Here is some good news: I will be getting amazing Phillies tickets this year. I know a guy with season tickets and he is willing to sell me something like 10 games worth of tickets. 2 tickets per game of course. I believe they are tenth row behind home plate. I will be accepting gifts of all sorts as of now, from those who wish to join me.

Friday, January 12, 2007

 

Fabiooooooooooo

I just want to say that Fabio is the most awe inspiring person I have ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes on. To call him a beef cake would be an understatement. Possibly of the year. All hail the Fab. Now lets get some fake butter.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

 

You wash my back while you freeze


I was thinking the other day about things that I can't stand yet seems like I should love. It's a weird thing to think about randomly but hey, thats me. The first thing that came to mind was showering with someone. It could be your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, trashman or even bigfoot but the result will always be the same.

It's always fun at first. You're naked, they're naked. You're soapy, they're soapy. This is always good. But here is where it starts to go bad. When you get stuck in the back it is a nightmare. Nothing kills a mood like standing naked dripping wet with no way to warm yourself. Now something that was originally sexy is turning into a battle for warmth in front of the shower head.

The funniest part about this? I will never turn it down. Never. I always have the feeling that its going to be great. But it always turns out to be lackluster. The only saving grace is the sex. I could be out in the snow standing on a block of ice but it would be fine as long as we were bumping uglies.

Seriously though, does anyone else feel this way or is it just me? Its probably just me. Theres probably a better system to this that i just dont know about. Any advice would be appreciated.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

 

Only two ways out of this mess: a time machine and a shotgun. And I dont see a time machine.


Ever have one of those days when you wonder why you chose the career path your on? I tend to get them from time to time. Yesterday was one of them. I usually think about how I should have became an electrition right out of high school like everyone else in my neighborhood and than maybe I would be making $30 an hour or whatever the hell they make. Plus it would be minus the deadlines and other BS. I eventually get off this kick and go back to somewhat enjoy what I do though.

First I think how maybe if I was working somewhere else I would like it more. Than I realize thats probably not true. It would probably be even more stressful in an agency. Plus, I like everyone I work with. Yes, you. Reading this right now. And I actually think, for the most part, the feeling is mutual. How I don't know. I'm a dick. And I can be really annoying. And I tend not to shower enough. And stare creepily at everyone.

Thanks everyone who has to deal with me. I enjoy dealing with you.

Monday, January 08, 2007

 

I'm not saying anything about the game...


I don't want to jinx the squad for next week.

 

Memo to those who carry beach umbrellas in the rain


You all almost killed me and many other people this morning. Either get a smaller umbrella or find a piece of clothing with a hood. You're going to take someone's eye out if you continue to carry that thing around with no regard.

By the way, it's just rain. It won't kill you.

Unless it's acid rain. Then you're fucked.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

 

Dead but not forgoten... yet

I believe I said before that celebrity deaths always come in threes. I would like to say now that I was correct. Ford, Brown and Saddam. its like losing both of your grandfathers at the same time than realizing the one wasn't really your grandfather at all but was like one, because you grew up with him, ya know? Than when you find your actual grandfather you find out he was the godfather of soul... which raises some questions about grandma... but even worse you find out he just died too. bummer.

Now that I think about its actually nothing at all like that. not even a little. who's ready for the parade on Saturday? I know I am.

Oh, and a quick shout out to flipflopgirl at sounpretty and smedelicious at smedelicious who are both Penn State alums. Big win this past weekend. I know neither of you actually had anything to do with them winning but way to go anyway.

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