What the F?

I mean, that's what Google is saying.

"Google, either encouraging physical fitness or zero population growth, offers the above helpful suggestion when mapping the route from Chicago to London." - Upgrade: Travel Better

Any thoughts?

Assorted thoughts from my virgin Jury Duty experience yesterday:

• The metal detector line is intense (25 minutes) and they make everyone turn in their cellphones and put them in a lock box. No cell phones all day. It was kind of nice, except when they let us out for lunch and told us to be back at two and I had no clue what time it was the whole time and ended up coming back like a half hour early to avoid getting thrown in jail or something.

• The first place you go is called the "jury assembly room" where they take your subpoena (it says "summons" on the card they send you but they insist on calling it a subpoena as if you have done something wrong) and i think throw it into one of those big lottery mixers, cause they start randomly calling people 40 at a time. I was in there for a couple hours, sitting amongst maybe 500 people I had never seen before, and yet there were these pockets of people chatting it up with their friends. I have two explanations for this:

• Some people were clearly assigned with their friends, as they were talking about a party they had both been to and all the things that "Scott" and "Frank" had done
• As for the others- do you remember in high school whenever you would randomly be in a setting with kids from others schools, how the cool kids would somehow magnetically gravitate towards each other and be making fun of everyone else within the first 15 minutes? It's kind of like a grown up version of that. Um, not that I wasn't cool in high school or anything.

• They give you a little questionnaire about whether you can be a fair juror, and one of the questions on it is "would you be more inclined to believe the testimony of a police officer just because of his or her job?" This one totally fooled me- I figured they wanted me to answer yes? I'm still a little baffled. So I glance over at the questionnaire of the platinum dye job lady next to me, and she went with no, but does it make me a bad person that I happened to notice that her "have you ever been convicted of a crime" answer was yes? I'm guessing drugs. If you had seen her face, you would understand. Anyway a little instructional video that comes on a good 45 minutes after you have filled out the form informed me that the judge specifically instructs you not to believe the testimony of a police officer any more or less because of their job, and the question is whether that is a problem for you. But I had already written the wrong answer with one of those golf pencils onto that carbon paper that makes like 4 copies, so there was no turning back. I figured best case scenario it would disqualify me.
  

• Finally, I get the call into the courtroom. We arrive and the judge is just hanging out cracking jokes with the bailiff, reading us a little speech about what an important part we serve in the legal process. Meanwhile the defendant and his comb-over public defender are quite possibly peeing themselves. Before turning it over to the prosecutor, the judge goes over the charges- Armed robbery and weapons possession with a side of criminal consipiracy. Victim less crimes if you ask me but it wasn't looking great for our defendant.

• The judge turns it over to the prosecutor who may or may not have been older than me, but definitively could not remember her opening line, got the date of the "alleged" crime wrong, and could not pronounce the names of her first two witnesses. Going for her, however, were the fact that the victim, several eyewitnesses, and no fewer than 12 cops were lined up to testify. Comb-over public defender stood up and named the guy's sister, uncle Johnny, and some girl named Kim as his witnesses. Credit to Lynne Abraham for sending in the C-team on this one, Ryan Moats will do when your offensive line is 12 cops blocking Kimmy from the block.

• I was in the second group of jurors and happily, my questioning never came- we were taken to another room and informed by the bailiff mid-afternoon that the defendant had "taken the negotiation offered to him" which I suspect means we will not be hearing from him for a while.
  

• They let us go and paid us $9. Yup, $9.
  

Overall I give it 2 1/2 stars and would recommend to anyone who hates going to work. Keep your eyes peeled for your very own summons!

After you watch this trailer, you will be too... unless you hate Earth.

Planet Earth (in hi-definition) - Premiering March 25 @ 8:00 pm on The Discovery Channel

This show apparently took 5 years to make, and it looks like it was worth it.

I'm looking pretty damn forward to this Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature flick. More so for the Rodriguez part. Hot chicks with machine gun legs equals all about it. I do like the idea of Tarantino directing Snake Pliskan but I'm not getting much about the movie from that trailer except he drives a car. Fast. Let me know what ya think and when you wanna go see it.

A few weeks ago, Jmoney appeared before me sobbing, claiming I don't post on glorious What the F anymore. After I slapped him in the nipple area, I promised a return similar to that of the Ultimate Warrior during the main event at Wrestlemania 8...or 7 or 6 or even 9. Hell I don't remember. But return I did, with absolutely nothing important to say. So without Freddy Adu, my thoughts on life (basically sports and things that make me laugh).

First, as any normal human being or mammal including dolphins knows, March Madness is upon us. The NC double A tournament begins March 15 and I, like many young men, am gearing for non-stop basketball and countless trips to the bathroom. I filled out my brackets and my big upset in round one is New Mexico State beating Texas. Silly, you say right? Texas has the best player in the nation. Well, you're probably correct. But after Deadspin revealed this fun factoid about NMS's fans, I decided it would be delightful to cheer them on. After all, I'm going to rip up my bracket after the first weekend anyway. It's madness baby.

Next on the agenda is Pete Rose. He apparently admitted to betting on the Reds...while he was managing them! (exclamation point for dramatic effect) I don't know what to believe here. Maybe's he's out to write another book and get out of gambling debt. Maybe he truly is sorry and wants baseball to lift the lifetime ban it imposed on him. Whatever the case, Charlie Hustle was awesome and he has Tone Loc's vote in the 2008 presidential election- Caveman Party.

Lastly, I leave you with the photo of the day. Part NBA player, part pornstar, part crustache model.

And really lastly, I just got a call from a dame at Tiki Bob's who probably has large breasts. Said dame informed me of a free happy hour on April 6. I won't be there because Tiki Bob's is scary, but you get in for free if you say my real name, which of course is Anthony Loc. Have fun with all the Brooklyn blowouts.

I just heard about this holiday right now, unfortunately at the end of the day which probably isn't enough time to have it executed. Oh well. This is more for you woman that read this with a significant other.

This is the men's equivalent to valentines day. Steak and BJ day. Just like it says ladies. No cards. No gifts. No bullshit. Right to point this holiday is. I like steak so lets eat it. I like BJ's, so do it. Sounds like the best holiday ever to me.

So if you love your man, practice this holiday. He'll probably like it even more if you do this because chances are that he hasn't heard about it so it'll be a nice surprise. Just think how he surprised you on V-day last month.

Brought to you by Condoleeza Rice.

"Condolicious"



http://thedooryard.typepad.com/the_dooryard/2007/02/condolicious.html

That is a debatable statement but there are legions of rap fans that believe it to be true. 10 years ago today, the Notorious B.I.G. aka Biggie Smalls aka Big aka Frank White aka Big Poppa aka Christopher Wallace was killed in LA at 24 years old.

Biggie's first album, 1994's Ready to Die, will always remain as my number 2 album of all-time. That album contained some of the foulest, most depressing lyrics I have ever heard to this day, along with some of the greatest feel-good songs, and it set the precedent for how to make a rap album after its release.

I don't have time to do anymore than this, but I just wanted to put something up.

RIP - Notorious B.I.G.
^ AOL tribute video

I don't have anything to post about I just want my bad kissing post to not be at the top anymore.

So how about that teacher that was banging her retarded student? Luckiest kid ever right?

I forget how everyone found out about it but apparently this kid was actually smart and didn't tell anyone and even denied it. And he's a retard! Why are the other kids of normal intelligence so stupid? I blame our public school programs.

This might actually be a somewhat embarrassing post but you know what? I'm going to make it anyway just so everyone can laugh at me.

Basically my girlfriend told me something the other night. Something kind of weird. It all starts out about three months ago or so. She told me that I was kissing weird. I thought, "OK this is how I always do it but if you don't like it I'll switch it up. Thanks for the tip." Fast-forward to this past Wednesday, her birthday no less, where she tells me this: "You've been kissing differently lately." At first I didn't know what the hell she was talking about but then it clicked in my head about what she said. "Remember you pretty much told me you didn't like the way I kiss? We'll I changed it up." I said. " We'll this is worse. Go back to the old way."

I'm not really sure how to feel about this. Well I know its not good but should I feel like a horrible kissing loser? Should I assume she is comparing me to someone else now? Should I really have posted about this? Meh, I don't care. All I had to do was drop the new shit and go back to the classics... wow am I a loser.